IM Cinema: Fist of Legend

On occasion, this site will present, for old media-impaired readers, an instant messaging transcript of a film newly arrived to Netflix.  Today, we feature Fist of Legend, the 1994 Jet Li re-imagining of Bruce Lee’s classic Fist of Fury.

***

Chen Zhen:  boy it sure is nice to take a break from being the greatest dude ever at kung fuing to learn how an engine works

Japanese Dudes:  hey chinese you are like Martin Luther King Day, NO CLASS

Chen Zhen:  who is Martin Luther King

Japanese Dudes:  just go home, man

Chen Zhen:  oh well, I guess I will never know how an engine works /beats up so many dudes that Japan’s industrial production drops by 14%

Funakochi:  Hey, man, sorry my dudes busted up your class, that wasn’t cool, I guess I shouldn’t teach them all that violent hand-to-hand combat but /shrug

Chen Zhen:  whatever man

Mitsuko:  hey uncle, your dudes broke my pen, give me another pen, also this chinese is my boyfriend, he’ll get me all the pens I want, give me pens and don’t make me pay for them is my point

Funakochi:  I am super cool with you having this Chinese as a boyfriend, as long as you have pens, where did you say you were from anyway

Chen Zhen:  The Big Time Chinese School of Unstoppable Dude Beatings

Funakochi:  whoa I don’t want to bum you out but I just got a telegram saying one of my dudes totally killed your master, because that is apparently a thing educators at institutions of higher learning send telegrams about

Chen Zhen:  contrary to your intentions I am bummed and now I have to go back to China

Mitsuko:  when will you come back, I love you and your pen-getting potential

Chen Zhen:  geez I don’t know, I probably have to beat up like a million dudes, it could take a while

Mitsuko:  do you hate Japanese people

Chen Zhen:  ugh well they occupy my homeland, constantly insult me, murderer my master, and commit atrocities, but you seem nice /goes to China

***

Cabbie:  where can I take you Mr. Japanese

Chen Zhen:  seriously dude you can’t tell the difference between Chinese and Japanese

Cabbie:   we’re all just slanties to me!  i can’t tell the difference between me and a guy in a Bruce Lee movie!

Chen Zhen:  cool it, we don’t want to get sued here, take me to the Unstoppable Dude Beatings school

Cabbie:  i hear that’s the worst school in China

Chen Zhen:  you’re about to get the worst tip in China, Mr. Opinions

***

Huo:  as the new master of Unstoppable Dude Beatings school, I welcome you home and hope you don’t make me look like a giant pussy

Chen Zhen:  yeah, I guess, who killed our master

Huo:  it was Akutagawa at the Black Dragon School for Sniveling Japanese Archetypes, i forbid you to go over there and get awesome revenge on everybody

Chen Zhen:  I only heard the last part

***

Chen Zhen:  hey you guys can I talk to Akutagawa, I want to have a few words with him about rectifying the unbeaten state of his face and ass areas

Japanese Dudes:  he’s not here, he is committing war crimes

Chen Zhen:  /beats up enough dudes to depopulate the entire island of Okinawa

Akutagawa:  you chinese-bein’ asshole, time for me to whup you like I whupped your chinese-ass boss /is Chinese

Chen Zhen:  /beats Akutagawa so bad that the Emperor of Japan cries hot tears for several seconds

Akutagawa:  this does not bode well for what’s going to happen after we bomb Pearl Harbor, but you didn’t hear that from me

Chen Zhen:  my master was like ten million times better than me and I just beat the living Twinkies out of you, it makes no sense that you killed him, I demand answers

***

Huo:  way to beat up like a hundred Japanese dudes, now we’re going to lose our liquor license

Chen Zhen:  i don’t believe that Jap fruit could have whupped our master, let’s dig him up and root around in his organs

Huo:  gross

Coroner:  This man was poisoned, probably

Chen Zhen:  a ha!

Chinese Dudes:  yay, we like you now, and not this other guy

Huo:  well, I guess I’ll just get drunk and screw around with a whore for the rest of the movie, have fun beating on dudes

Chen Zhen:  roger wilco

***

Akutagawa:  man you poisoned that dude and then his assistant manager came in and whupped my ass in front of everybody, way to make me look bad

Fujita:  you’ll look worse after I totally murder you, and what do you care, you’re Chinese anyway

Akutagawa:  so are you

Fujita:  shut up dude /totally samurai-murders Akutagawa

Chen Zhen:  i bet i’m going to get blamed for this

Fujita:  /makes ‘on-the-nosie’ gesture

***

Japanese Dudes:  bring us the murderer Chen Zhen

Chinese Dudes:  bring us your faces to get punched in

Chen Zhen:  please stop fighting, this violence cannot solve anything, only the violence employed by me can solve things

Ambassador:  we demand the arrest of Chen Zhen for murdering what’s his name

Mitsuko:  he couldn’t have done it, he was plowing me that night, plowing me good

Chinese Dudes:  gross

Ambassador:  i find that this was indeed gross, but you are Japanese and always tell the truth, so you can go, Chen Zhen

Chen Zhen:  awesome

Mitsuko:  hey, I saved your life, how about some sugar

Chen Zhen:  still got a bunch of dudes to beat on

***

Huo:  hey, does anyone care about my subplot of being a big fat insecure baby and carrying on with this hooker

Chen Zhen:  not really

Huo:  okay, well, we all hate you now for pretending to like that Japanese broad, how about you go live with her in a grody hut next to the master’s grave if you’re so into her

Chen Zhen:  I haven’t beaten up a dude in like 10 minutes

Huo:  well too bad because I’m the only one here, and

Huo:  aw dog bone it

***

Funakochi:  hey is my niece here, i brought her a pen

Mitsuko:  PENS

Chen Zhen:  go back to cleaning the grave area, your uncle and I have to ‘talk’

Funakochi:  /has his ass beatean

Chen Zhen:  yeah that’s the stuff

Funakochi:  okay man but look out for that Fujita, he is a straight-up murderer of dudes

Chen Zhen:  i’ll be okay, hey listen can you take her back with you, i’ll come get her, uh, later i guess

Funakochi:  i only have so much money in my pen budget, when are you gonna pick her up

Chen Zhen:  when there is no more hate or violence in the world

Funakochi:  and how is that going to happen

Chen Zhen:  i will beat up as many dudes as it takes

***

Fujita:  i killed your master with the help of this yutz, who i will now kill  /kills yutz

Huo:  this yutz death is not enough, we will now beat you and there is nothing you can do about it unless you suddenly gain superhuman strength and resistance to injury

Chen Zhen:  why did you have to say that last thing

Fujita:  /beats ass of Huo, who is still in this movie for some reason

Chen Zhen:  beating the ass of you will be like beating the ass of a thousand lesser men

Fujita:  /dies cowardly teppanyaki family-style death

Ambassador:  well, now you’ve done it, now there probably will be a war between China and Japan in which many innocents will be killed

Chen Zhen:  what can i do 

Ambassador:  in the original movie you threw yourself in front of the Japanese riflemen, heroically sacrificing your life in an emotional moment to save your fellow countrymen from having to suffer because of your crimes

Chen Zhen:  okay so let’s call that Plan B, what else you got

Ambassador:  you could take a dead body, desecrate its memory by claiming it’s yours, and then escape, going on to beat the asses of so many dudes that you single-handedly account for the Japanese empire’s defeat in the Second World War

Chen Zhen:  ROLL CREDITS

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