Four Colors to Infinity Special Edition: Convergence

I have been asked by a number of readers to explain the eighth and final issue of Convergence, the latest mega-event series by DC Comics.  Convergence is a huge, epic, multiverse-spanning saga that is intended to end the DC universe as we know it (again), usher in the birth of an entirely new and different DC universe (again), and reboot the entire DC universe continuity once and for all (again).  The story has taken place over an entire year, including not only the eight actual issues of Convergence itself but dozens of tie-ins and crossover books, and the entire run of DC titles during the month of May — in short, dozens of books, hundreds of dollars, and thousands of pages, all of which will culminate in a grand, cosmic, heroic struggle for the final fate of entire realities stretching back over millions of in-universe years and over 75 years of real time.

Which is why it’s so amazing that it’s all resolved in a third of a page, off-panel.

 

But let’s not get ahead of ourselves:  let’s take a page-by-page look at this most grand of epics, the brilliant and long-awaited conclusion to a story years in the making — a work which took, according to the credits, two writers, four pencilers, three inkers, an artist, a colorist, six cover artists, and five editors* to create!  Let’s take a look at what DC considers a fitting story to put a final period on their last nine decades of comic book creation.

PAGE 1:  On the ruins of Earth-2, the destruction of which has been chronicled over two years in two separate comics titles that people paid actual money for, Hal Jordan/Parallax/Green Lantern explains the plot of the last seven issues of Convergence while standing over the smoking remains of the tertiary villain Deimos, whom he has just murdered.  Dr. Fate suggests that it was a bad idea for Hal to murder Deimos by making a pun on his own name, which is “Fate”.

PAGES 2-3:  Dr. Fate provides more exposition while Robin, standing in for the reader, expresses confusion and disinterest.  Hal Paralantern says he can help, but Wonder Woman does not trust him, as is made clear in dialogue written by a dull 6th-grader, played here by Jeff King and Scott Lobdell.

PAGES 4-5:  Secondary villain Telos ties up Hal Paralantern in a magical swirly thing, which development provokes Hal’s objection.  Various Flashes remind us that they have vibrational powers. Telos takes over the exposition and says some heroes are coming, and makes reference to Zero Hour and Countdown, two previous epic DC events that were terrible.

PAGE 6:  Booster Gold shows up and introduces Waverider and Goldstar.  That’s literally all that happens on this page.

PAGE 7:  Waverider says that Brainiac can save the universe.

PAGES 8-9:  A couple of people remember that Brainiac is the primary villain in this series and decide to attack him instead of letting him save the universe.  Brainiac zaps them with a beam.

PAGE 10:  Brainiac says that he will destroy everyone (“I will destroy you all”), but then changes his mind and has a mid-life crisis (“What am I now?”).

PAGE 11:  Brainiac misses his home planet of Colu.  I guess this is supposed to be sad?  I don’t know.

PAGE 12:  Brainiac remembers how all the major events of the DC Universe have effected him personally.  This also serves to remind the reader of how cruddy such event books as BloodlinesGenesisIdentity CrisisInfinite CrisisFinal Crisis, and Flashpoint were, and how good Grant Morrison is.

PAGE 13:  Brainiac reveals that he has developed cancer because of the multiverse.  This is something that really happens and not something I am making up to illustrate how stupid Convergence is.  He asks the heroes to help him and Nightwing tells him to suck some dicks.  Telos, who has helped Brainiac engineer the death of millions of people, scolds Nightwing for not being compassionate.

PAGES 14-15:  Superman holds hands with Supergirl and says something optimistic in another double splash page which totally justifies this comic’s $5 price tag and is not padding at all.

PAGES 16-17:  In the issue’s fifth double splash page, Brainiac ‘explains’ that he is going to channel temporal energy and send all the heroes home, and thus “reset the multiverse”, which will make everything good and perfect forever.

PAGES 18-19:  Double splash page #6 contains a huge plot twist:  the original Crisis on Infinite Earths, from which all modern event comics, not to mention the entirety of the current DC continuity, sprang, is gumming up Brainiac’s attempt to hit the delete/re-record button on the universal GarageBand software.

PAGES 20-21:  Double splash page #7 features all the people who died in the first Crisis, as well as several other random costumed jerkoffs, volunteering to go back and prevent the Crisis from happening, thus making everything that occurred in DC comics for the last thirty years pointless.  Hal Paralantern joins them even though everyone thinks he is a cock.

PAGE 22:  It is further established that Superman is good and perfect and awesome and never makes a bad decision and cannot be beaten.

PAGE 23:   In panel 1, Brainiac tells a handful of random superheroes that they have to go back and stop the multiverse from collapsing in the original Crisis on Infinite Earths in order to save everyone.  That’s the first panel.  In the second panel, the Flash says “What are we waiting for?  Let’s go save the universe!”  And in the third panel, in a caption, Telos says “In an instant, I can tell.  They have done it.”  They literally could have published a one-page comic where Brainiac says “Go stop the Crisis from happening!” and some random heroes say “okay” and then one panel later Brainiac says “Phew, they did it!  Carry on, everybody”.  Best page in comics history?  You tell me, fans!

PAGES 24-27:  More splash pages, confirming that all the multiverse worlds are back and shut up, everybody.

PAGES 28-29:  Brainiac, Telos, and almost everyone else fucks off to their own titles.  leaving the Earth-2 people to wonder what they’re going to do for the rest of the book

PAGES 30-31:  Earth-2 gets leveled to satisfy all the destruction porn freaks.

PAGES 32-33:  Alan Scott saves everyone using green magic.

PAGES 34-35:  Alan Scott turns Earth-2 into a paradise with his ring magic, leaving one to wonder why exactly he didn’t do this before, for all the worlds that got destroyed already.

PAGE 36-37:  A giant hologram of Telos’ head shows up in the sky and dispenses one final burst of exposition to Alan Scott, for the benefit of people who have no fucking idea what just happened.  This includes everyone.

PAGE 38:  Alan Scott finds a space rocket with all the Earth-2 people on it and takes them home, where they are happy, because they didn’t just read the worst comic of the year.  THE END

 

*:  This is, of course, my little joke.  This book actually had zero editors.

 

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