Amendments to the U.S. Constitution, Rated

FIRST AMENDMENT (12/15/1791):  This one is generally very popular especially with loudmouths.  The only part that causes trouble is the part where we can’t impede the free exercise of religion, because somehow those lunatic Muslims got their shit rubber-stamped as a religion instead of what it is:  a crazy murder cult.  Aside from that, a real winner:  ****1/2 stars

SECOND AMENDMENT (12/15/1791):  The absolute super best and greatest of all amendments and really the only one that matters because no one can fuck with the other amendments as long as you can shoot them in the face with your well-regulated militia assault rifle.  The undisputed champion:  ***** stars

THIRD AMENDMENT (12/15/1791):  This is a pretty paltry one because no one ever tries to violate it; the government has huge military bases all over and doesn’t need to stick any soldiers in your laundry room.  Still, it’s fun to bring up if you want to sound smart when you’re whining about Jade Helm or whatever:  *** stars

FOURTH AMENDMENT (12/15/1791):  The first of what we’ll call the “Honky Amendments”, which we absolutely love when they are applied to, say, your nephew Jared in Springview who gets caught with a half of Blue Dream, but which we absolutely hate when we have to go to court and prove a black guy murdered someone.  A racially divided above-average:  ***1/2 stars

FIFTH AMENDMENT (12/15/1791):  Another Honky Amendment, which we refer to as an “inalienable right” when we get busted with coke or the federal government wants to build a park, but which we refer to as a “technicality” when the cops beat the shit out of a Mexican teenager.  See above:  ***1/2 stars

SIXTH AMENDMENT (12/15/1791):  This Honky Amendment gets a slight boost because it gets cited a lot by dudes as a reason to further abuse and humiliate rape victims.  Icing on the cake:  **** stars

SEVENTH AMENDMENT (12/15/1791):  The Honky Amendment that sanctifies in law the trial by jury, which everyone claims to love but which they will do practically anything to get out of.  A mixed blessing, to say the least:  *** stars

EIGHTH AMENDMENT (12/15/1791):  The least popular of the Honky Amendments, because we’re all for cruel and unusual punishment as long as there is zero chance of it happening to us.  A good source of complaints about how murderers get wide-screen color TVs:  **1/2 stars

NINTH AMENDMENT (12/15/1791):  This one totally sucks because crybabies use it to justify made-up ‘rights’ like getting health care, eating a decent meal, making a living wage, and other hippie bullshit that is completely not a right, not like owning cop-killer ammunition is a right.  The author of our Constitution, Jesus Horatio Christ, did not intend to give us wiggle room:  *1/2 stars

TENTH AMENDMENT (12/15/1791):  Another good one to fight over.  The last of the original Bill of Rights and thus the final ‘real’ amendment, this one draws a lot of boos because it seems to bolster the power of the federal government, but it’s also a state’s rights favorite and the venue of last resort for trying to quash civil rights.  So it’s got that going for it:  *** stars

ELEVENTH AMENDMENT (02/07/1795):  Strict Constitutional Originalists, which we all should be, will tell you they shouldn’t have fucked around and added any more after the first ten amendments, but this one tends to be popular as it protects Americans from the consequences of being complete fuck-up assholes no matter where they go in the world, and that’s good.  Well done, 1795:  ****1/2 stars

TWELFTH AMENDMENT (06/15/1804):  How much you like the Electoral College depends entirely on whether or not your preferred candidate won the election, and by how much of the popular vote.  A real curate’s egg:  *** stars

THIRTEENTH AMENDMENT (12/06/1865):  Boo!  Hiss!  Governmental overreach!  Infringement on state’s rights and private property!  Give us our slaves back!  The worst.  Everything went to hell after this one:  0 stars

FOURTEENTH AMENDMENT (07/09/1868):  Another bullshit amendment that just lets any damn person be a citizen and get equal protection under the law, even if we really, really don’t like them.  Never would have been ratified if the Founders could have seen what Pablo does to my rose bushes.  Worthless;  * star

FIFTEENTH AMENDMENT (02/03/1870):  So I guess we just let anyone vote now, except women, thank God.  They couldn’t get anything right after the Civil War:  *1/2 stars

SIXTEENTH AMENDMENT (02/03/1913):  Pretty much the worst thing ever to happen to America, and the end of freedom and liberty forever and ever.  The reintroduction of slavery, except for white people:  minus ************************************************** stars

SEVENTEENTH AMENDMENT (04/08/13):  This one is pretty good because after it passed we could stick any goddamn crank into the government we wanted, including ones who thought of it as their divine mission to make sure the government never, ever accomplished anything.  Solid, but doesn’t begin to make up for income tax:  ***1/2 stars

EIGHTEENTH AMENDMENT (01/16/1919):  So we have to pay taxes, pretend to listen to black people, and now we can’t even get a goddamn drink?   Hell no:  0 stars

NINETEENTH AMENDMENT (08/18/1920):  Oh, come on!  Seriously?  The birth of the Men’s Rights movement:  0 stars

TWENTIETH AMENDMENT (01/23/1933):  Universally accepted as the most boring and inconsequential of amendments, but at least it doesn’t give rights to any minorities.  A push:  **1/2 stars

TWENTY-FIRST AMENDMENT  (12/05/1933):  Basically the only time in history America seriously decided to change its mind on something it had already decided was to collectively say “Give me my fucking beer”.   A victory for martinis everywhere:  ***** stars

TWENTY-SECOND AMENDMENT (02/27/1951):  A dull but necessary amendment that limited term limits for presidents, thus preventing the rise of another cruel, despotic tyrant like the monstrous Franklin Delano Roosevelt, who ruined America by winning the biggest war in world history, gaining unprecedented popularity, and helping the poor.  Sic semper tyrannis:  **** stars

TWENTY-THIRD AMENDMENT (03/29/1961):  Throws those pests in D.C. a bone, but doesn’t stop them from making snotty comments on their license plates.  Eh:  **1/2 stars

TWENTY-FOURTH AMENDMENT (01/23/1964):  Hard to know what to do about this one.  On the one hand, it got rid of a tax, and getting rid of taxes is one of the only two things the government should be allowed to do.  On the other hand, it got rid of a tax that helped oppress minorities, and oppressing minorities is the other thing the government should be allowed to do.  A real noodle-scratcher:  *** stars

TWENTY-FIFTH AMENDMENT (02/10/1967):  This one didn’t have much practical effect, other than to provide hilarious fodder for writers of political fiction and to force terrorists and assassins to make some tough choices.  Inessential:  ** stars

TWENTY-SIXTH AMENDMENT (03/23/1971):  Another tragic mistake, insofar as it embodied in law the terrible idea that we should ever listen to anything teenagers have to say.  Bummer:  * star

TWENTY-SEVENTH AMENDMENT (05/07/1992):  A perfect encapsulation of the state of the government, the only constitutional amendment since 1971 is almost entirely meaningless and took over two hundred years to ratify.  God bless America:  *** stars

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