Potatoes for Peace
It doesn’t take a genius to know that this country is in trouble. Which is fortunate, because I am not a genius.
Mass murders, police brutality, economic turmoil, terrorism at home and abroad, a constantly shifting social landscape, even the degradation of the very air, land, and water we need to survive: it’s obvious that America is facing problems that are not only deadly serious, but could mean the very end of this once-great nation.
And just as it’s obvious that we face these problems, it’s obvious that there is only one solution: send me potato chips.
That’s right: while politicians feed you empty promises to get elected, social activists fall in love with the sound of their own voices, and big businessmen pretend they care when all they really want is ever-higher profit margins, I and I alone am offering a practical, simple, and achievable approach to society’s ills. It’s as easy as this: mail me the most interesting flavor of potato chip from your city, state, region, or country, and I will embank on a comprehensive plan to reduce the number of problems our great nation faces.
How will it work? It couldn’t be easier: go out and find a bag of potato chips from your locality, the more exotic or unusual the flavor the better. (I’m not going out of my way to save the world for some bullshit generic BBQ-flavor chips.) E-mail me at leonard dot pierce at g mail dot com, and I’ll send you my mailing address. Send me the potato chips, and in exchange, I will perform the following world-saving feats for every bag I receive:
1. I will not commit any race murders for every bag of interesting potato chips.
2. I will not terrorize anybody for every bag of interesting potato chips.
3. I will not do any sexism for every bag of interesting potato chips.
4. I will not homophobe for every bag of interesting potato chips.
5. I will not exploit anyone’s economic situation for every bag of interesting potato chips.
6. I will not fight in a war for every bag of interesting potato chips.
7. I will not frack or oil-spill for every bag of interesting potato chips.
8. I will not policely brutalize anyone for every bag of interesting potato chips.
9. I will not write a “hot take” or a “thinkpiece” about Taylor Swift, or anyone Taylor-Swift-adjacent, for every bag of interesting potato chips.
10. I will not have a shitty baby who ruins things for every bag of interesting potato chips.
I think you’ll agree that I’m going above and beyond what most people are willing to do for free, or at any rate for interesting potato chips, and if this continues for several years, I believe that I can make the world a better place than it is today.
I’m totally serious about this, America. The kind of country you want to live in is up to you: do you want a world where I am always invading third world countries and spilling petroleum fluids all over the place, or a world where I have chips? The choice is as yours as it is obvious.