Meet the New Rules

We must all of us, always, strive to have sympathy for our fellow man.  If all were judged equal, who should ‘scape whipping, and so on; it is the part of the righteous to understand that there but for the grace of God go we, and to hold no one to the fire for sins of which we are equally guilty.

That said, I’m pretty sure that if you do any of these things, you are going to Hell.

  1. Buying a video game ostensibly for your child and then playing it yourself all the time
  2. Going around someone on a one-lane road so you can get to a traffic signal sooner
  3. Tying a national tragedy or remembrance thereof to your company’s social media marketing
  4. Being weirdly proud of not liking a particular entertainer
  5. Acting like you had something to do with the place you happened to be born
  6. Spending more than five minutes in a single week grooming your mustache
  7. Acting like it is someone else’s fault that they are frightened by your huge menacing dog
  8. Conspicuously covering your ears when an emergency vehicle goes past
  9. Refusing to let people say negative things in front of your houseplants
  10. Navigating a double-wide baby buggy down the middle of a narrow grocery aisle
  11. Buying something you don’t intend to use just so no one else can have it
  12. Referring to a trip to Mexico or Canada as “going overseas”
  13. Drinking cheap shitty beer when you have tons of money as some kind of meta-statement
  14. Talking into an invisible Bluetooth headset in public and making people guess if you are insane
  15. Getting mad at a clerk because you failed to understand an instruction
  16. Being a grown person who is into high school football but does not have a school-aged child
  17. Being a grown person who is into high school football at all, really
  18. Using the word “sportsball”
  19. Calling a celebrity by a cleverly insulting name that rhymes with their actual name
  20. Not voting because it’s too time-consuming
  21. Un-ironically using the word “sheeple”
  22. Any variant of thinking you would have been a really good, kind German/slave owner/etc.
  23. Throwing stuff at people from a moving car
  24. Supporting labor until worker actions do something to personally inconvenience you
  25. Becoming openly disgruntled at the suggestion that you watch something with subtitles
  26. Organizing anything other than color swatches by color
  27. Constantly calling attention to your mild discomfort but refusing to let anyone help you with it
  28. Headlining an article with some variation of “(X number of things) You Never Heard Of”
  29. Writing a news article about a woman that mentions what she is wearing
  30. Giving someone a shitty tip so you can round off to a particular number
  31. Waking someone up to ask them if they are sleeping all right
  32. Making excessive use of novelty fonts under any circumstance
  33. Having 99 problems and choosing to focus mainly on the bitch-related ones
  34. Complaining about how many people it takes to write a pop song
  35. Throwing trash on the ground in a municipal park
  36. Throwing trash on the ground in a state or national park
  37. Throwing trash on the ground anywhere because the nearest garbage can is over 100 feet away
  38. Using your child as an excuse to blow off social engagements
  39. Having an elaborate reason why it’s okay for you to be really into Nazi paraphernalia
  40. Acting like you’re really sorry about doing something shitty that you don’t in any way have to do
  41. Pretending to not know the difference between a rank and a file
  42. Talking to someone on the phone while you are taking a shit
  43. Being really angry at someone you don’t know for committing suicide
  44. Openly speculating about how heroic you would be in a theoretical dangerous situation
  45. Insisting on watching television at someone else’s party
  46. Cheating at a game in which there are absolutely no consequences for winning or losing
  47. Having more than one hyphen in your name
  48. Keeping track of when a famous female celebrity turns 18
  49. Making a bunch of high-minded rules about what you won’t ever allow your potential child to do
  50. Fact-checking jokes
  51. Drinking wine out of a container made of anything but glass
  52. Using, in any context, the phrase “(X) are the only people it’s acceptable to discriminate against”
  53. Having elaborate rules about what guests are allowed to wear in your house
  54. Thinking of something you do as a moral failing when a poor person does it
  55. Being angry at people for dancing
  56. Creating advertisements that interfere with content
  57. Getting upset that a famous person does not respond to your tagging them on social media
  58. Letting the hot sauce cart steer the actual food horse
  59. Closely studying the menu at a fast food restaurant as if anything on it is going to surprise you
  60. Saying “no one is talking about” a story you got from a major news media outlet
  61. Being heavily tattooed and then getting mad at people for looking at your tattoos
  62. Having an overly elaborate e-mail signature
  63. Explaining to someone how you didn’t have to pay for something they created
  64. Using the fact that you can’t smoke indoors as an excuse to talk loudly outside at 2AM
  65. Thinking you are clever for knowing a couple of curse words in a foreign language
  66. Claiming to have “grown up” in a decade in which you were less than 4 years old when it ended
  67. Using a cell phone to complain about how people are always looking at their cell phones
  68. Recording a sweet folky acoustic guitar cover of a gangsta rap song
  69. Coming up with ways to game a system that confer no advantage to you
  70. Hiring someone to do something and then getting mad that they don’t have enough to do
  71. Being vociferous about creator’s rights but never buying art by small or independent artists
  72. Infantilizing an entire culture because you can’t get over your own childhood nostalgia
  73. Believing that apology is always a sign of weakness
  74. Being a Republican candidate for the presidency of the United States
  75. Creating a long list of minor annoyances because you can’t think of anything better to write


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