Bowling for Dollars

It’s New Year’s Day.  For millions of people, it is a day of resolutions:  of promises to one’s self or one’s loved ones to be healthy, to meet new goals, to expand one’s understanding of the world.  Many will make today the day they dedicate themselves to becoming better spouses, better parents, better people.  It is a time of growth, of renewal, of re-invention; a time of assessing what is important about who you are, and making changes in your life that will make you prouder of that person.

At least, that’s the way it is for nowhere loser pussies.  For the rest of us, this weekend is all about college football.

Since 1767, when the Yale State Tycoons beat the Washington Jefferson Founding Fathers in the first annual Super America Bowl, college football dominance has been settled by a completely rational, air-tight computerized system of “bowl games”, so named because of the way the overstressed teenage athletes vomit into a bowl beforehand while contemplating how their entire financial future hinges on being judged by a burned-out talent scout during the 30 seconds they will be on television.  Since most of the money in college athletics is tied up in not paying the only people who anybody cares about, many bowl games have been forced to take on corporate sponsors to ensure the ongoing quality of merchandising profits.  These sponsorships can change on a yearly basis, so we’ve compiled this guide to the past and future of college football bowl games.

THE NORTHWESTERN MUTUAL ROSE BOWL

Location:  Pasadena, CA

Target Audience:  People who enjoy gardening and actuarial tables

Former sponsors:  AT&T; Sony PlayStation 2; CitiBank; Vizio

Future sponsors:  The Police Benevolent Association of Pasadena’s Accidental Shooting Fund

THE CAPITAL ONE ORANGE BOWL

Location:  Miami Gardens, FL

Target Audience:  People who have bad credit and citrus cankers

Former sponsors:  FedEx; Discover Card

Future sponsors:  Chester’s Chicken Platinum Visa Card

THE ALLSTATE SUGAR BOWL

Location:  New Orleans, LA

Target Audience:  People who are diabetics with clean driving records

Former sponsors:  United States Fidelity & Guaranty; Nokia

Future sponsors:  MoneyStealers Bank

THE GOODYEAR COTTON BOWL

Location:  Arlington, TX

Target Audience:  People whose clothes are made by slave labor for slave labor

Former sponsors:  Mobil; Southwestern Bell; SBC/Ameritech

Future sponsors:  Global MegaOmniCorp

THE CHICK-FIL-A BOWL

Location:  Atlanta, GA

Target Audience:  People whose racism is informed by deep religious beliefs

Former sponsors:  none

Future sponsors:  The American Truth and Reconciliation Commission on Poultry Genocide

THE BATTLEFROG FIESTA BOWL

Location:  Glendale, AZ

Target Audience:  People who have no earthly idea what in the name of God “BattleFrog” can possibly be

Former sponsors:  Sunkist; IBM; Tostitos; Vizio

Future sponsors:  White Flight Realtors

THE HYUNDAI SUN BOWL

Location:  El Paso, TX

Target Audience:  People who are afraid of solar power and both Koreas

Former sponsors:  John Hancock Financial Services; Norwest Bank/Norwest Corp.; Wells Fargo; Vitalis; Brut

Future sponsors:  Glorious Moonshroud Ground Tortoise Healing Balms

THE TAXSLAYER GATOR BOWL

Location:  Jacksonville, FL

Target Audience:  People who live in Florida, hate paying taxes, and love listening to Slayer

Former sponsors:  Mazda; Outback Steakhouse; Toyota; Konica-Minolta; Progressive Insurance

Future sponsors:  Big Lou’s “Pay Me Monday” Personal Loans

THE BUFFALO WILD WINGS CITRUS BOWL

Location:  Orlando, FL

Target Audience:  People who buy the “Zingy Lemon FrickFrack” flavor at Buffalo Wild Wings

Former sponsors:  CompUSA; OurHouse.com; Capital One

Future sponsors:  Bail Bonds by Mr. Shay of Wekiva Springs

THE AUTOZONE LIBERTY BOWL

Location:  Memphis, TN

Target Audience:  People who don’t let how so-called “President” Hussein Obummer has destroyed our Constitutional rights get in the way of a good deal on a headlight restoration kit

Former sponsors:  St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital; AXA Insurance

Future sponsors:  Doherty’s Infant Firearms

THE CAMPING WORLD INDEPENDENCE BOWL

Location:  Shreveport, LA

Target Audience:  People who own more than six portable televisions

Former sponsors:  Poulan Saw Company; Weed Eater; Sanford Writing Instruments; MainStay Suites; PetroSun Energy; AdvoCare Nutrition; Duck Commander Duck Calls

Future sponsors:  Claremont Repurposed Rubber Bands, LLC

THE NATIONAL FUNDING HOLIDAY BOWL

Location:  San Diego, CA

Target Audience:  People who drank too much at the Christmas party and told the boss his revenue projections were fucked

Former sponsors:  Sea World; Thrifty Car Rental; Plymouth Motors; Culligan Water Softeners; Pacific Life Insurance; Bridgepoint Education; National University

Future sponsors:  Jerry’s Learn-‘Em-Up Colleges University

THE MOTEL 6 CACTUS BOWL

Location:  Tempe, AZ

Target Audience:  People whose children never visit

Former sponsors:  Domino’s Pizza; Weiser Lock; Insight.com; Buffalo Wild Wings; TicketCity

Future sponsors:  TarTaser RV Burglar Alarm Systems

THE VALERO ALAMO BOWL

Location:  San Antonio, TX

Target Audience:  People who are always saying “Is it hot in here?  Are you hot?  It’s not just me, it’s hot, right?”

Former sponsors:  Builder’s Square; Sylvania Appliances; MasterCard

Future sponsors:  Ant-Man 4:  An Ant for All Seasons Funko POPs

THE IDAHO POTATO COMMISSION FAMOUS IDAHO POTATO HUMANITARIAN BOWL

Location:  Boise, ID

Target Audience:  People who can only understand humanitarian values when expressed through the medium of fried foods

Former sponsors:  Crucial.com; MPC Computers; Roady’s Truck Stops; uDrove Compliance Management

Future sponsors:  EnsuringUniformStandardizationInTheOffMarketAutomobileComponentsManufacturingSupplyLineIndustryAllStars.com

THE FRANKLIN AMERICAN MORTGAGE COMPANY MUSIC CITY BOWL

Location:  Nashville, TN

Target Audience:  People who think their triple reverse mortgage was a smart move

Former sponsors:  American General Insurance; Homepoint.com; Gaylord Hotels; Bridgestone Tires

Future sponsors:  The Donald Trump Presidential Library & Classy Car Wash

THE LOCKHEED MARTIN ARMED FORCES BOWL

Location:  Fort Worth, TX

Target Audience:  People who believe the military is too soft on the people it kills in wars

Former sponsors:  Plains Capital; Bell Helicopter

Future sponsors:  Larkin-Mariposa Remote Assassination Drones

THE NORTHROP GRUMMAN MILITARY CONGRESSIONAL BOWL

Location:  Annapolis, MD

Target Audience:  People on government pensions who oppose food stamps

Former sponsors:  EagleBank

Future sponsors:  Revelation 6:7-8 (KJV)

THE FOSTER FARMS SAN FRANCISCO BOWL

Location:  San Francisco, CA

Target Audience:  People who are trying to impress angel investors

Former sponsors:  Diamond Walnuts, Kraft Foods

Future sponsors:  Blopsy.com Self-Activating Suicide Kiosks

THE ROYAL PURPLE LUBRICANT LAS VEGAS BOWL

Location:  Las Vegas, NV

Target Audience:  All future slave-hordes of the mighty Kr’zax empire

Former sponsors:  EA Sports, Sega Sports, Pioneer Electronics, MAACO

Future sponsors:  Run!  Run!  Tiny Fools, There is No Place in All the Universe You Can Hide from the Grim Fate That Awaits You in the Kr’zax Hell-Mines and Energy Drink, Inc.

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