Marvel Re-Re-Re-Rebooted

With this week’s release of the long-delayed and possibly awaited conclusion to Secret Wars, Marvel wraps up it most pointless event comic ever and finally prepares fans for the all-new, all-different NEW Marvel Universe.  No, not that one.  No, not that one either.  This is the NEW new new new universe (not to be confused with the new New Universe, which didn’t go so well either), and it promises a hot new take on the characters you’ve always wanted to see a hot new take performed upon and aren’t satisfied with whatever shit they did in Marvel Knights, Marvel 2099, Marvel Zombies, What If?, Amalgam, Ultimates, and ever other fucking title from the past twenty years that’s sold you the exact same characters without ever being forced to change anything.

The new realities of Marvel can be difficult to navigate, so to help you out, I’ve prepared a list guiding you through the most important changes.  Enjoy!

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Captain America, Spider-Man, three of the Avengers, and H.E.R.B.I.E. the Robot are all now black. However, Black Panther is now a white air conditioner repairman from South Dakota, and Ms. Marvel is now Mr. Marvel and fights a battle against the sinister forces of misandry.

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In order to address the lack of minority creators, Stan Lee will now be allowed to fornicate with women of different races, and the resulting bastard children will be given partial scholarships to the Joe Kubert School.

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The Defenders are no longer a non-team. They are, instead, an un-team. The New Mutants are now an anti-team, the West Coast Avengers are a farm team, and the Champions of Los Angeles are a faux-team. The Cleveland Browns will be brought into the Marvel universe to replace the Defenders as a non-team.

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Instead of drawing characters to look like whatever famous celebrities will be playing them in the upcoming movie, they will be drawn to look like whatever famous celebrities will be playing them in the Netflix TV show. All new Netflix series, in keeping with the precedent set by Jessica Jones, will now star veterans of Breaking Bad, starting with Jonathan Banks as Thor and continuing with Jesse Plemons as Black Panther.

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There are now 127 separate Hulks, including Gray Hulk, Green Hulk, She-Hulk, Hulk-Thing, Spider-Hulk, Hulk Red and Hulk Blue, Comrade Hulk, Fat Hulk, Hillbilly Hulk, Hulk Bunny, Film Crit Hulk, Senator Hulk, Jamie-Lynn Hulk, Hulkzilla, Hulk Kong, Hulkenstein, and Larry the Cable Hulk. All Marvel characters must spend at least two months in their own titles being the Hulk.

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Additionally, every comic must contain one panel in which a main character audibly announces which phase of the Marvel Cinematic Universe is currently in effect, and what websites one could go to if one wanted to learn more about the various media properties involved in that phase.

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Great power no longer comes with great responsibility. Great power now comes with $3.00 of a P’Zone at Pizza Hut and a free liter bottle of Coca-Cola at participating restaurants.

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Following his downfall at the end of Secret Wars, Dr. Doom is no longer the supreme ruler of Latveria. The country is now a fully owned subsidiary of EuroDisney, and Dr. Doom has been demoted to Assistant Imagineer (time machine division).

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The Fantastic Four has been upgraded to the Fantastic Six, with the addition of Squirrel Girl and Jimmy Fallon, who has gained via exposure to cosmic radiation the power to create viral videos. Their headquarters has been moved from the Baxter Building to 30 Rockefeller Center, and instead of fighting crime, they promote cross-platform, value-added content.

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Wolverine, now a militant atheist and men’s rights activist, will be teaming up with Ms. Marvel and hectoring her about how she is destroying American society. Ms. Marvel will point out that he is Canadian, at which point the series will be cancelled and replaced with reprints of ROM: Space Knight translated into Danish.

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Following the Dr. Strange movie starring Benedict Cumberbatch, the Dr. Strange comic will be cancelled and replaced by Benedict Cumberbatch Weird Wonder Stories. It will feature the actor reading scripts, napping, catching up on his correspondence, and watching old videos of his work that are licensed by Disney subsidiaries. The role of Wong will be taken over by Ken Jeong, and the Dread Dormamuu will be a film critic who waits until the second week of release to see new Marvel Cinematic Universe features.

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The primary setting for Marvel superhero stories will be moved from New York City to Shreveport, Louisiana, thanks to tax incentives and deregulation. S.H.I.E.L.D. will also be privatized thanks to cuts in government funding, and will change the focus of its mission from combating HYDRA to providing loss prevention and security at Dubai shopping malls.

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