Until There Were Lists

SERGEANT’S DUTY LOG


Week ending 04/29/2016

31 incidents of jawin’ with intent to slanderfy

26 incidents of reported sinful doin’s involving minors, blood kin, livestock and tree hollers

16 incidents of a-whoopin’ and a-hollerin’

9 lynchings without a permit

8 incidents of Katie-bar-the-door Saturday night dust-ups

6 incidents of ee-legal tar fars

4 incidents of bootleggin’ shine without thems ain’t got no papers

3 incidents of turnin’ a squirrel-iron on a revenuer

1 attempted hold-up of that store down to the city where all the money is at

1 incident of computer-aided wire fraud and international margin trading to conceal taxable investment income (that damn Duvall kid again)

***

DEMUNCHA 13: RECIPES FROM THE COPPOLA FAMILY KITCHEN
Finian’s Rainbow Trout
The Codfather
A Bag of Chips Now
One from the Tart
Rumble Fish Sticks
The Cotton Club Sandwich
Garden Salads of Stone
The Virgin Soup ‘n’ Sides
Tossed in Translation

BOXTY BERTHA: AN OVERHEAD SHOT OF MARTIN SCORSESE’S DINING ROOM TABLE
Lean Treats
Flaxseed Driver
The Last Walnutz
After Hors D’Ouevres
The Last Temptation of Rice
Goodfelafels
Bringing Out the Bread
Crépe Fear

THE VOICE OF THE SPOON: FELLINI AT THE DRIVE-THRU
I Cannelloni
La Dulse Vita
Ate and a Half
Juliet of the Spearmints
Fellini Saltyricon
Amarcorn
Il Pastanova di Federico Fellini
Candied Ginger and Fred

***

MEMORABLE QUOTES FROM McCRUNLEY VI:  GEE, YOUR CORPSE SMELLS TERRIFIC

McCrunley: Check under McCrunley — party of .44.

 –

Capt. Yeldig: Damn it, McCrunley, you can’t just trash the Mayor’s house like that!
McCrunley: Why not?
Capt. Yeldig: We have this little thing called the Constitution.
McCrunley: Never heard of it.
Capt. Yeldig: I don’t have time for jokes, McCrunley.
McCrunley: I’m not joking.

Mustolita: Oh, McCrunley!
McCrunley: What?
Mustolita: Even though you destroyed my home, killed my brother, and caused my son to fall off of a cliff, I love you! I love you!
McCrunley: Okay. Sure.

(last lines)
Capt. Yeldig: I don’t get it, McCrunley.
McCrunley: Get what?

 ***

FORTHCOMING DC PRESTIGE EDITIONS

Superman’s Jackoff Pal, Jimmy Olsen
Great Moments in Fishnets
(feat. Black Canary & Zatanna)
That Honky-Ass Jimmy Olsen Again
DC’s Finest Fill-In Issues
(w/digital companion piece, DC’s Finest Missed Deadlines)
Fuck You, Jimmy Olsen
Sorry, Jimmy Olsen, You’re On Your Own This Time
Goddamn It, Jimmy Olsen
Inside Green Arrow’s Medicine Cabinet
Jimmy Olsen’s Greatest Fuckups
Curt Swan & Murphy Anderson: When Beefy Met Meaty
Jimmy Olsen Stories We Wish Were Imaginary But Which, Sadly, Actually Existed
Flash’s Rogues Gallery in 3D: Agggh, My Eyes
Jimmy Olsen-Pete Ross Smackdown!
The Jutting Elbows of Carmine Infantino
The Silver Age Wigs of Supergirl
Shut Up Already, Jimmy Olsen
Space This, Space That, Space the Other Thing: The World of Julius Schwartz
Flash, Ah-Ah, He’ll Save Every One of Us
Superboy & Young Lex Luthor II: Why Are You Heat-Visioning Yourself? Why Are You Heat-Visioning Yourself?
Bizarro Jimmy Olsen: Men Behaving Sensibly

 ***

CURT BILLINGS, MEDIEVAL SCHOLAR TO THE STARS

“Hey, Curt!”

“Hey, Dennis. Givin’ the old car a polish, eh?”

“Yeah, she can use it. Hey, how’s the medieval scholarship going?”

“Oh, you know. You win some, you lose some.”

“Yeah? Keepin’ you busy?”

“Oh, man, it never stops. It’s always something in the medieval scholarship game.”

“Really? What do you do, exactly?”

“Uh…well, you know how it is. A little scholarship here, a little, uh, medieviality there.  Say, how’s the insurance business treating you?”

“It’s fine. What I mean is, what exactly do you do? What are your actual duties as a medieval scholar?”

“I’m sure you wouldn’t be interested, Dennis. It’s pretty dry.”

“No, really, I’m quite interested. How many people can say their next-door neighbor is a medieval scholar?”

“Not a lot of people. I guess.”

“So, what’s the story? What’s a typical day for you?”

“Um…”

“Just give me the abridged version.”

“Well, you know. I’ll, uh, get up, have some orange juice, and head to the place, the place I work…”

“The university?”

“Yeah, there. And I’ll go look at some medieval books, and do, uh, do some research. Find out some things that maybe people don’t know about the medieval zone. Or, times. Time zone. We also call it the, uh, the ‘middle ages’.”

“Uh huh.”

“And then, you know, some lunch, at, uh, well, you know there’s a really good cafeteria at the, um, university, where I, uh, scholar, and a lot of the kids eat there, so I’ll go have a burrito, you know, keepin’ in touch with the young people. That’s a big part of it.  And then, really, it’s just back to the office to write a, uh, what is it?”

“A monograph?”

“No, no, you know, like a short paper dealing with some aspect of a scholarly discipline. In my case, you know, medieviality. Like, I just did one for Medieval Scholar’s Digest about, uh, the economic, uh, crusades of Lord Sidney Montgomery and King, uh, King Arthur. Er. Or maybe I’ll call up some other medieval scholars…”

“Like who?”

“Oh, phew! There’s, uh, there’s Greg, and Russ, and Dr. Smith, and, uh, Professor, uh, Turtlewax…I mean Turtletaub.  And there’s another guy also named Curt…”

“Hmmm.”

“And we’ll just, you know, talk about what’s up in the world of medieval scholarship.”

“Huh.”

“Of course I sometimes sneak in a little Angry Birds, you know how that goes, right buddy? Ha ha.”

“Ha ha. You’re not really a medieval scholar at all, are you, Curt?”

What? Sure I am! What a question. Didn’t you see my business cards?”

“Your business cards that say ‘CURT BILLINGS, MEDIEVAL SCHOLAR AND NOTARY PUBLIC’? The ones with a unicorn on them? Yeah. You could have gotten those anywhere. They don’t even say where you teach.”

“Yes they do!”

“They say ‘Prestigious College, U.S.A.’ The number on them is a pay phone.”

“Budget cuts.”

“Come on, Curt.”

“What?”

“What do you really do for a living?”

“I’m a mediev..”

Curt.”

“I restock the produce section at Piggly Wiggly. Also, I’m a notary public.”

“So what’s the medieval scholar thing all about?”

“Well, when I was in high school, everybody looked up to the kids who did medieval scholarship. They always got all the attention, and they would date cheerleaders and stuff. When they’d have the medieval scholarship tournaments, the whole school would show up and go crazy.”

“Uh…”

“And the captain of the medieval scholarship team was our homecoming king, and he went on to start his own car dealership. I guess I just wanted to glom on to some of that medieval scholar’s glory.”

“Curt, did this medieval scholarship team wear helmets and shoulder pads?”

“Yeah. And these cool gold and green uniforms. I guess it was something to do with heraldry or something.”

“And did they play games on a big field with, er, other medieval scholars, using a brown ball?”

“Yeah.”

“See, that was a football team.”

“What?”

“Not a medieval scholarship team. Football. Football is a popular team sport, while medieval scholarship is an obscure, little-studied academic discipline.”

“Well, fuck.”

“Sorry, man.”

“Do you know how much those business cards cost me?”

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