Learn Along with Lenny
Hey! You! You look like a smart guy, gal, or gender nonconforming individual! Are you tired of being played for a sap? Are you sick of being swindled, stuck with the check, and made out to be the A-number-1 chump at every party and board meeting? Well, I’m here to tell you that your days of being a grade-Z mark are coming to an end, because I’m here to introduce you to Lenny’s Angles! Each Angle will teach you how to become a real sharp operator, and after that you won’t have to go crawlin’ to your mom begging for air conditioner money no more! What have you got to lose? The answer is ten bucks. Each Angle costs ten bucks. I will now take questions from the audience.
Q.: Give me a for-example.
A.: Okay, here’s a free one, because you’re a cagy little squirt and I like that. Within limits. Okay, so let’s say you are some piece of shit student at the University of Going There and Then Thinking You Can Lord It Over Guys Like Me State. So you think you probably got it all figured out already, you snobby little turd. Like for example you know that you ain’t got to buy your own toilet papers, you can just cadge it from public bathrooms. Well, here’s what you don’t get, Mr. Junior Know-It-All: you ain’t gotta just steal toilet paper alone! You know what all they keep in modern bathrooms these days? Plungers! Brushes! A whole goddamn fuck-ton of paper hand towels! Magic soap that starts out as foam but then turns into gel or some shit! One of those fancy blower doohickeys made by the vacuum guy from England! You wear a heavy coat and you don’t have to go shopping for your crapper for nearly a year. That’s a great Angle!
Q.: How about another?
A.: Sure, I guess. I am giving away a lot of Angles here, usually you would owe me twenty bucks by now! I gotta eat, you know, and I got expensive tastes! I’m not talking about bullshit KFC or Burger King tastes, I got hell of Arby’s tastes. Don’t talk back to me. Okay, anyway, here’s a good one: you know how they got samples at your farmer’s markets? I got another one for you: try a sample that is called everything! There’s like a million hipster shit-for-brains mulling around there showing off their Corgis and leg tattoos, nobody can keep track of a goddamn thing. You got a sack full of produce, who’s to say you didn’t pay for it? These fucking hicks aren’t printing out receipts! So what if they’re a bunch of farmers? Those people are ruining the environment, read a book about it sometimes. Hey, thanks for the Angle, Lenny! You’re welcome, now pay me.
Q.: It seems like these angles are all just stealing.
A.: Okay, first, show a little motherfucking respect. It’s not “angles”, you sissy milk baby, it’s Angles. I didn’t blow all that jack at the patent office for you to go around lower-casing me, Little Lord Fauntleroy. Second, no. No. The Angles are not all about stealing. Some of them resemble stealing, to the untrained eye or mind who does not have a Ph.D. in lawology like I do. But here is the point: first of all, who is to stay what stealing is? A judge, and I haven’t been in front of a judge since Idaho, and those records are sealed. Second of all, there are plenty of other Angles, including ones that involve extortion, arson, and using the mail for various purposes. So take your suspicious nature and jump off a tuna boat.
Q.: Well, those are still all illegal activities. Aren’t you just selling us ways to become a criminal?
A.: What are you, Doctor Question Mark? Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop. That’s a rule. And no, I am not selling you nothing of the kind, because so far you are just asking a bunch of frequent questions instead of buying the Angles. That is the whole point of what we are doing here. I can’t sell shit unless you pay me the ten dollars. Do you even know about capitalism? Study it, it runs society and whatnot. Get a poster and put it in your cubby. Then check back with me about whether or not I am “selling” you anything, criminal or elseways, Mister I Have Another Question.
Q.: I have another question.
A.: I knew you would. This has really gone off the rails, I don’t mind telling you. I expected to have enough to fly to Tahiti off of these Angles and now I don’t even know if I have enough to look up “extradition to the United States from Tahiti” on the internet. Well I ain’t giving you any more freebies, I’ll tell you that much right now. You got a question about the Angles go ahead and ask it but otherwise you can go point at the Little Dipper, cop. You can’t prove nothin’.
Q.: If these angles…
A.: Angles! God damn it.
Q.: Sorry, Angles. If these Angles are so good, how come you need to sell them to us? Why don’t you just use them to make a fortune or something?
A.: Listen, buddy, I don’t come down to where you work and slap the shitty attitude that comes from knowing that you don’t have to sleep on top of the abandoned mattress factory out of your hand. I use the Angles only to enhance my personal standing on the world wide web, and only for that purpose. What you choose to do with it is between you and your ten bucks, which by the way I don’t have yet. Speaking of which, did you know that paying in cash is for people too lazy to hover suspiciously around total strangers at the airport? Learn more by cutting out being such a fucking crunger and handing me a ten-spot. You have the power. To learn!