Full Casual Jacket

“Sound off! What’s your name, asswipe?” “Uh…Alan Corwin.” “Bullshit! I can’t hear you, asswipe! Speak up like when you tell your girlfriend to tug on it! What’s your name, asswipe?” “Corwin. Alan Corwin. I’m from Document Control.” “Document Control? Is that what they’re calling it now? Bullshit! You’re a fucking file …

Scam I Am

Dear Mrs. Oguntade, It was with joy and, I must admit, some degree of surprise that I received your e-mail of the 15th entitled “RE save our soul”. The joy, as you might imagine, stemmed from your generous though slightly bewildering offer to remit to me the kingly sum of USD$111,600,443 …

Loving the Alien

I sometimes think of it like he’s from a different planet. Every time he talks about how persecuted the rich are, or how feminism is turning our kids into homosexuals, or how my “people” wouldn’t understand this or that because we aren’t really part of the great Western tradition, I pretend …

H.N.I.C.

Ladies and gentlemen, in keeping with our recent attempt to take this blog back to its roots, we are pleased to present the greatest guest columnist this site has ever had.  We are honored more than we can express by the opportunity to present to you these exclusive excerpts from …

Omerta

Dear Mr. Rafaelli, It is with great disappointment that I write to you today, a disappointment that I’m sure will be echoed and enhanced by your reaction to the bad news. And the news is bad indeed, because it entails (for me) a loss of nearly a year of my …

Flagging Plotlines

LOCAL MAN FRUSTRATED BY IMPLAUSIBLE MASTURBATION FANTASIES CLEVELAND (AP) — Local writer Jim Hennings, 36, blames a case of writer’s block on his inability to masturbate for the last six days, claiming that he is unable to formulate a suitably plausible fantasy scenario. “I’ve been blocked before,” admits Hennings, whose credits …

Quittin’ Time

“Hey, Arzbyx, what’s up?” “Please address me as Overlord Arzbyx the Supervisor, flesh thing, or I shall have you reduced to component chemicals and utilized as cleaning solution.” “Hey, lighten up, boss man. It’s Friday afternoon!” “This necrotizer cannon is not going to build itself, Unit 46031-H.” “So, you going to …