At this point in my life, I have been watching American Idol for 12 years — a longer time than I have done practically anything else, including date a woman, hold a job, or refrain from taking narcotics. My primary concern is just trying to remember everyone’s name, which is …
Hello, fellow citizens of Earth! I’m Smarty R-T, and I’m your holographic helper for those of you who have decided to spend your vacation here at my home away from home, the beautiful planet of Canus Lepta VII. On behalf of the Tourist Bureau, welcome, one and all! Now, if …
Klansman. This game is no different from Amarillo, except that the center cards are laid out in the shape of a cross. The card in the center of the cross is then set on fire. Once the entire structure is burning, the players take turns stabbling, punching or kicking a …
Oh, lies. Lies are what make us human, what keep us from being bored to death; lies are the very foundation of our civilization. (Sure, when Pablo Picasso says stuff like this, you say he’s profound; when I say it, you roll your eyes at me.) Lies form the basis …
A dreamily short entry tonight, and thank God for it, since I feel like I’ve been recapping this show for twenty years now. I’m not sure what tonight is supposed to accomplish, but then I am reminded that (a) this is the final night of Hollywood Week, where Idol treats …
It’s LADY WEEK in Hollywood! That means lots of crying, although let’s be honest, the guys were a pretty weepy lot this time around, too. After a boring recap of last week’s nonsense (lines of ten in single performance, followed by extra-brutal group round), we experience a strong push for …
Pitchers and catchers have reported to spring training, and that can only mean one thing: six months of manic-depressive obsessing over baseball! But not everyone is like me, hardened like a Turk’s brass knuckle by years of following the sport. How does a newcomer know what team to root for? …
(from the Irish Times‘ ‘Cruiskeen Lawn’ column) You must keep this strictly under your hat but I received an invitation to be in attendance at 86 St Stephen’s Green last Thursday evening to hear a ‘paper’ on…guess?…’The Function and Scope of Criticism’. It interests me as a scientist that there is …
Suicide, as a tactic of war, seems to hold a particular horror for us. Because it is so seemingly foreign to the West (although, really, it bears little distinction from the kind of hopeless charges entirely common to the era of modern warfare), we tend to cite it as a …
Auteur theory has been taking it on the chin lately. Never especially strong in this country — as opposed to Europe, where it has even been allowed to influence matters of copyright, in a shockingly communistic example of art being given primacy over commerce — it’s really taken a beating …
DECISION IN THE CASE OF CITY OF NEW YORK VS. M. MORALES, a.k.a. “PRINCE MARKIE DEE”; D. WIMBLEY, a.k.a. “KOOL ROCK-SKI”, & D. ROBINSON, a.k.a. “BUFF LOVE”, JULY 29, 1984 IN THE MANHATTAN CRIMINAL COURT, JUDGE RUBIN PRESIDING. Gentlemen, As you know, you have been tried and found guilty by …
American Idol keeps happening and I seem powerless to prevent it. It has become an eternal force of torment in my life, like gravity and speed humps. I try to extricate myself from its clutches but it drags me down again and again. It has happened for three hours so …
Hello again, hopeless Idol junkies! We’ve finally reached the brutal and systematic destruction of the human spirit that is the Hollywood round, which means that soon, praise be to Allah, I will only be recapping this show once per week. I know there’s the results show to contend with, but …
So sorry. Please accept my apology. When I referred to myself as an “internet dreamboat”, I mean to say “internet steamboat”. The reference was to my weight. I am not the nephew of the Sultan of Krumnail. That is not an actual location, but just a word I made up. …
It’s the last audition round before we move on to Hollywood, and thank God for it. Speaking of God, this evening’s show comes to us from Oklahoma City, where Texas goes to die; the hopefuls are lined up by 5:18 AM, because there is nothing else to do there. The …
