Yes, I am trying to be funny.
It’s LADY WEEK in Hollywood! That means lots of crying, although let’s be honest, the guys were a pretty weepy lot this time around, too. After a boring recap of last week’s nonsense (lines of ten in single performance, followed by extra-brutal group round), we experience a strong push for …
Pitchers and catchers have reported to spring training, and that can only mean one thing: six months of manic-depressive obsessing over baseball! But not everyone is like me, hardened like a Turk’s brass knuckle by years of following the sport. How does a newcomer know what team to root for? …
(from the Irish Times‘ ‘Cruiskeen Lawn’ column) You must keep this strictly under your hat but I received an invitation to be in attendance at 86 St Stephen’s Green last Thursday evening to hear a ‘paper’ on…guess?…’The Function and Scope of Criticism’. It interests me as a scientist that there is …
DECISION IN THE CASE OF CITY OF NEW YORK VS. M. MORALES, a.k.a. “PRINCE MARKIE DEE”; D. WIMBLEY, a.k.a. “KOOL ROCK-SKI”, & D. ROBINSON, a.k.a. “BUFF LOVE”, JULY 29, 1984 IN THE MANHATTAN CRIMINAL COURT, JUDGE RUBIN PRESIDING. Gentlemen, As you know, you have been tried and found guilty by …
Hello again, hopeless Idol junkies! We’ve finally reached the brutal and systematic destruction of the human spirit that is the Hollywood round, which means that soon, praise be to Allah, I will only be recapping this show once per week. I know there’s the results show to contend with, but …
So sorry. Please accept my apology. When I referred to myself as an “internet dreamboat”, I mean to say “internet steamboat”. The reference was to my weight. I am not the nephew of the Sultan of Krumnail. That is not an actual location, but just a word I made up. …
MEET THE DEFENDERS: Season 1, Week 1 *** #1: FAMILY TIES Panel 1: The Beast, Wasp, and Nighthawk are having coffee in the kitchen. Iceman enters through the rear door, taking off a heavy coat and scarf. NIGHTHAWK: Hey, Bobby! Is it cold out? Panel 2: Iceman pulls a stocking …
POOR-SELLING CELEBRITY COOKBOOKS 1. Jackie Mason’s Sculpting with Chopped Liver 2. Someone’s in the Kitchen with U.S. Undersecretary of State for Democracy and Global Affairs Maria Otero 3. Vincent Gallo’s Cooking for Faggots 4. My Hands Hurt with Jennifer Aniston 5. Journey to the Center of John Madden’s Unthinkable Gullet …
Last night’s Idol premiere took place in New York, and for me, it didn’t illicit much in the way of sympathy. It was filmed too long ago to get any endearing post-Sandy sob stories, so my overall impression was one of schadenfreude whenever someone would get sent packing: yeah! Take …
ON THE INTERNET To Do and Say TO THINK: “I have not been completely inundated with self-validation about _____.” TO SAY: “Am I the only person in the world who thinks _____?” TO THINK: “I am irrationally excited by the overly familiar.” TO SAY: “Squeeee“ TO THINK: “I …
UNSUCCESSFUL DOG BREEDS 1. Comptonian Malamute 2. East German Shepherd 3. Melancholy Dane 4. Rhodesian Racist 5. Wireless Terrier WORST POSSIBLE BAND NAMES 1. Eichmann Tina Turner 2. Harcourt Fenton Mudvayne 3. Fag of Convenience 4. Englebert Needledick 5. Muslimgauzey Muslimgauzebourne THINGS PABLO PICASSO WAS CALLED, OTHER THAN AN ASSHOLE …
The soul of man is forever striving, straining for victory, for glory, for transcendence beyond his mere base physicality, to become one with a universal whole. But it is this very striving that grounds him to the ordinary, by mussing his hair, coating his tongue, and causing various antisocial odors …
SUGGESTED WAYS TO DISPOSE OF MY BODY 1. Ground into paste and surreptitiously mixed into fanciful coffee drinks at Lincoln Park Starbucks 2. Turned into decaying, offensive puppet by German performance artist 3. Used as reanimated zombie drug mule by Haitian coke dealers 4. Brain used as defective component by …
Ever since the first e-mail was sent, it was only a matter of time before governments worldwide would find a way to monetize the internet. Its commercial potential revolutionized capitalism, but it fiercely resisted the inevitability of the state taking its traditional cut; despite the way it ran roughshod over …
There are issues which, though they should by any reasonable estimation have been settled long ago, are still being debated nearly into the second decade of the 21st century. In our world today, when we can literally transmit information at the speed of light, when we are as far removed …
