Yes, I am trying to be funny.
Dear Dan Harmon, Last night I had the unexpected opportunity to see Harmontown, the documentary film by Neil Berkeley that documented a whirlwind tour across the U.S. of your podcast of the same name. The tour came after your notoriously well-publicized firing from Community, a show you created and which I consider …
UNHELPFUL MNEMONICS 1. Every Grotesque Ballardian Describes Fascism 2. Malicious Vegetables Elude Motorist Junkers’ Stronghold? Ultimately, No. 3. Klonopin Is Salacious, Shalimar 4. Thirty days hath September, quickly grasp my throbbing member, slide your hand ‘pon thither and yon, then consult this sheet of paper I have written the number of …
COLE: This is fucking boring. MAYHEW: Shut up, Cole, you little bitch. STRAITHAIRN: Man, why you have to be like that? We’re on duty. Show some respect. COLE: I’m serious, you guys, plus my belt is all grungy or something. MAYHEW: It’s nothing personal, Straithairn. COLE: I mean, it’s like, …
…which is why, of course, we’ll be bringing in the helicopters at that time, since they’ll give us the reliability and flexibility we need. Tom? No, unfortunately I can’t give you anything on the Basra situation at the moment. No, we’ve got some information, which we think is pretty reliable …
“”I always had a hard time meeting chicks.” “Yes, I see.” “I mean, not for the reasons you’d think. I’m not shy or anything. And I’m pretty good-looking.” “Hmmm.” “You don’t think I’m good-looking?” “I have no opinion.” “I don’t mean to sound egotistical or anything. I just think that you …
I keep telling myself, it only seems like I’m telling the story for the millionth time. It can’t be more than, say, the three hundredth. But the kids are ruthless. Fall back on a stock phrase and they’ll eat you alive. There’s no ‘wine-dark sea’ in my living room; Homer’s …
“Tim? It’s Jill.” “Oh, hi, Jill! I’m surprised you’re calling so soon. Did they cancel?” “No. We had the meeting.” “Well? Good news?” “Is a 20-minute meeting ever good news?” “I dunno. That’s what I pay you for.” “They’ve decided to pass, Tim.” “No! You’re kidding. Why?” “They thought that …
We should have seen it coming. This was our livelihood, after all; we were the artists of commerce, creatives in the world of the merely productive. We worked with words and ideas the way our clients worked with industrial chemicals and institutional foodstuffs. We lived for le mot juste, and we …
When little Charlie was six years old, he broke one of his mother’s favorite bone china plates. Charlie hid the broken plate from his mother, because he knew that she would be very cross. (Charlie’s mother was a brittle, unloving old New Englander with the short temper and cold demeanor …
From: “Katie” (katieg253@whowantsit.net.ra) To: “Peter” (p_quigley@hotmail.com) Date: July 17, 2002 8:04 PM Subject: Re: your request This message appears to be junk mail. This is not junk mail Hot co-ed slut wants YOU! Click here to hook up with nubile cum-drunk college girl HUNGRY FOR YOUR COCK! I’m waiting for …
This is a ripe one, I think to myself as he crosses the floor. Sixteen if he’s a day and he’s got that topper out of a coal chute. He’s wearing it like it makes him look like a lord. Whatever it takes for the fare, I think, trying not …
“Harrison! So good to see you.” “My name is Tonondah Inok.” “Ton…what is it again?” “Tonondah Inok.” “Tonomah…you know, that’s just not going to work for me, Harrison.” “In your language it means Red Wolf.” “That’s a name for a dog, not a man. What’s wrong with Harrison? It’s a …
“Thanks for coming in to see us today, Rich.” “Dick.” “What?” “I go by Dick.” “Oh! Ha ha. Okay, sorry, Dick. That’s one of the reasons we call people in…the preliminary screenings don’t really tell us anything. We kind of want to get to know the real you. So, you …
“The goal here will be a pincers movement, coming down from the north with the Fifth Army and circling to the rear, and moving up and over from the south by Belgrade with the Ninth, so we’ll eventually encircle the whole territory. Now, if all goes well, we should have …
BILL: Okay, listen to this. BACON: Hit me. BILL: “But soft, what light…” BACON: Wait, what? Butt soft? Who’s he talking about? BILL: Juliet. BACON: He’s talking about how her butt is soft? What kind of shit is that? They’re never gonna let you say that. BILL: No, no, “but soft”. Like, …
