“Hello, Tideman’s Department Store, can I help you?”
“Is this the Lost and Found?”
“This is Customer Service, sir. How can I help you?”
“I think I lost something when I was there over Christmas, doing my gift buying.”
“What was it, sir?”
“My soul.”
“Your what?”
“My soul. I think I lost my soul. There, at your department store.”
“How…well, when did you lose it?”
“I was there on the 23rd. I always wait until the last minute to do my holiday shopping, you know. And I was up on the third floor, in Menswear, buying a tie for my dad. I remember looking at this short, squat woman in an expensive suit and too much makeup spraying people with cologne, and there was all that terrible canned Christmas music playing, and all these terrible contrived seasonal tie-ins and crappy thoughtless bits of junk merchandise, and I was riding on an escalator even though my doctor says I need to walk more, and all of the sudden, I felt…”
“Exhausted?”
“Soulless.”
“I…I see.”
“I have to admit I didn’t think too much of it at first, but as soon as I got home, I checked, and sure enough, my soul was gone.”
“How can you be sure you didn’t lose it before you came to Tideman’s?”
“Well, I went to church the week before, and I made it in and out okay. Plus in the car on the way over, I was listening to James Brown.”
“Could you describe the item?”
“It was just your typical run of the mill soul, I guess.”
“Was it a sort of dark green?”
“I don’t think so.”
“With a gold engraving that says ‘JM'”?
“No. Definitely not.”
“This is probably just an eelskin wallet, then. Did it look much like the November issue of US magazine?”
“I hope not.”
“Okay. I don’t think we have it here, then.”
“Fantastic.”
“Maybe someone picked it up and walked off with it. I mean, it’s a terrible inconvenience, I know, but we’re not really legally responsible. It happens a lot when the store is really crowded over the holidays.”
“Well, terrific. What am I supposed to do now?”
“As it happens, sir, we’re having an after-Christmas sale starting on the 30th that will feature an across-the-board 15% discount on all men’s souls. You should try one of the spring models; it’s a good time to buy.”
“Uh huh. How am I supposed to know you didn’t just take my soul and now you’re selling it back to me at those marked-up retail prices?”
“Please, sir. Try to have a little faith. How many can I put you down for?”
Hahahahhahahaha!!